The Truth

Had a serious talk with someone yesterday...

I was told I'm a changed person ever since I got posted to my new job. Not for the better, but worse... it was sad to know... that my temper was so bad that nobody feel like talking to me anymore... I didn't realise the change until yesterday and I apologised for it. The hectic work schedule had taken up my personal time at home and when I reached home, all I think about was to have a good rest. There was no mood for me to spend quality time with anyone cos I was so preoccupied with work in my mind.

But the hectic work schedule was last two months when I was just posted there. Like I said, I'm slowly finding time for myself and indeed I could do it... but at the expense of slower files clearance rate, which was considered normal. My department is facing serious manpower shortage... with people leaving and no-one dares to join the 'family'. Main reason being... the heavy workload and challenging time management. Actually it wasn't that bad once you are used to the workflow. I may be complaining about how much time I have for myself now compare to last time... but I did learnt alot on the in-depth work processes. If there are more people in the 'family', the workload per person would not be so much and life at work would be much easier to glide through. But... the others can't see the linkage. People only want to have an easy life~ and I wonder when will the next batch of helpers be coming in. What we can do now is just to clear whatever existing files we have, and try to keep our own morale high.

Stay FOCUSed

Recently I had been losing my focus at work...

Things that I COULD clear, did not clear~
Things that I SHOULD do, did not get it done~
Things that I USUALLY did, was unusually left undone~

Previously I would stay in office to finish my "never-ending" work till at least 8pm or 10pm.

Now? When the sun sets, the devil in me is out to play... maybe I played too much... maybe I over-relaxed myself... maybe there're other distractions that I can't define in words~

I gotta find back the focus I once had... and try to push whatever distractions right back to the end of my mind. If not sooner or later, I might be covered with tons of files (that "never-ending" work) when I open my cabinet the next moment. Hmm... now let me try to keep my fingers crossed~ and see if I can do it~ ( I mean pushing the distractions, not pushing the files away from my body when they toppled)

Show No Emotions

Juz finished watching the movie "The Invasion" at Cathy AMK Hub earlier, and heard this phrase "Show No Emotions" from it.

Hmm... how to show no emotions when humans are filled with all sorts of it? Happy, angry, sad, shocked, etc... Although sometimes we can hide how we are feeling on the surface, but deep down, we can FEEL it. Heartbeats pumping faster, sweaty palms, throat stuck with something, butterflies in the stomach, the glitters in the eyes when you saw that SOMEONE, etc.

It's hard not to show how we feel actually. When you have a liking for that special SOMEONE, you would naturally smile when you got to see him/her, or after spending some sweet moments with him/her (even though it's just a simple chat), you lose all the mood to do something when you didn't get to talk to him/her for the day, you feel energized when you heard his/her voice again, you start to do things out of your usual way just to see him/her smile (and you feel it's worth the effort).

And when you are angry... you couldn't stand the slightest sight of that NOBODY, your natural reaction was to avoid contact and keep the distance as far as possible cos he/she reminded you of your unhappy past, you feel a pinch in one corner of your heart whenever you heard someone talked about him/her.

But sad to say, sometimes, we do have to keep the emotions to ourselves. We can't be showing our anger as and when we like it (since we're not babies or small kids anymore), we can't openly express our likings for people just by saying "I LIKE YOU" unless there's some positive signs (since it may complicate things further, which did happened before), we can't be crying in the open whenever we feel sad (since we do not want people to see us as a weakling), and there are alot of things that we HUMANS can't do or show even though the desire is so strong that it's going to burst out the next minute.

Someone told me that she had to wear a "virtual mask" to hide her sadness from her unhappy childhood, so that people would see her as a cheerful and fun-loving person, cos she does not wish to spread her sorrows to them (in fact she IS a fun-loving person). But dun ever think that she's a hypocrite by wearing a "mask"... cos EVERYONE is wearing one too, somehow or rather. That is the "mask" to control how we express ourselves in front of others, and that is the special feature of a HUMAN.

However, don't doubt my actions or feelings towards YOU... cos I always treat my friends and loved ones good, although I may not have the time to show it due to my hectic work schedule~ but if I HAVE the luxury of time, I believed you would find me worthwhile to be YOUR FRIEND or even that special SOMEONE in a corner of your heart *hehe*

Hearing Problem...

I got this interesting email today... and I wana share with you guys~

Hearing Problem....

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her."Honey, what's for dinner?"
His wife said "James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us!

Letting Go

It's always hard to let go of someone who had always been in your mind, especially the one whom you had loved before. Few friends around me had been feeling down because they couldn't let go of the sad/happy memories they once had. It saddens me when I see my friends sad, or even wept over a bad relationship.

Recently one friend asked me... if she is weak and useless cos she couldn't control her tears when she coincidentally saw her ex-boyfriend again, and he reminded her of the disappointment and sadness over a 3 year relationship. The trauma was bad for her... and after two months of 'recuperation', she managed to move on and so-called got him out of her life (thou still left behind some debris to clear in the mind). So I replied her... that she is not weak or useless even though her tears welled up in her eyes after bumping onto him twice "accidentally" within a few hours. It's just human reaction to sadness and disappointment and nobody can simply let go of someone that easily. The same goes to me...

Well, just hope she could be happy again~

By the way, I also hope my "Bro" could get over that someone soon~ since there's no point in waiting for her anymore... Wish my "Bro" could be happy again too!

Elder

I had became the Elder in my group of "usual gang"... mainly because I'm the eldest~

So what is the role of an Elder?

Let me see...

1. Giving useful advice (during individual private consultation)
2. Maintain peace and order (when members get too noisy)
3. Late for dinner (cos too busy with work and members already started eating but can't leave before my arrival)
4. Observe (identify the potential reason why certain member suddenly became gloomy)
5. Stay Composed (need to remain calm and think of solution for member/s)
6. Talk less (cos cannot look too gossipy and spoil the Elder image)

I think that's all cos those were what I had been doing so far unless my members can come out with more roles~

By the way, to all my members... thanks for treating me like an "Elder", though the size is not that prominent in the group.

A + B = The Start Of A New Love Story

Here's an update on my previous post about A & B.

They finally got together!!

Hahaha... wonder if it's because of our "hard selling skills" that greatly raised the plus points of A (which B said), or the "Nature" had taken its own course for them. Nevertheless, we're happy that they are together.

Here's some wishes from me:

Hope you guys could love each other as much as possible and for as long as possible k? It's fate that you guys got to meet each other among the whole population. So just treasure whatever moments you have with each other, regardless if its sweet or not ya?

By the way, WE all love you! (though not the same type of love you guys have for each other lah)

< Fear - Diappointment - Happiness >

This is just a sudden inspirational post for all couples in love~

Fear is...

... when a committed love has slowly disintegrated
... when you woke up in the middle of the night and discovered your loved one missing
... when you wonder when your loved one will sneak out again while you are asleep
... when assumptions replace the initial care and concerns you showered on your loved one
... when people start to discuss about you behind your back
... when nobody understands you

Disappointment is...

... when your loved one doesn't understand your fear
... when your love is taken for granted
... when you realised there is no ever-lasting love at all
... when you think your loved one is happy being with you but in fact, no

Happiness is...

... when you and your loved one TRULY care and love each other
... when the fear doesn't exist
... when the disppointment doesn't happen
... when you FEEL happy

Do You Feel It Like I Do?

Do You Feel It Like I Do...

... when my eyes meet yours as I shift my gaze
... when my finger accidentally touches yours while walking together
... when you laugh and place your head near to mine in the cinema
... when I saw something on your hair and brushes it away for you
... when we joke and you 'hit' me on my arms as you giggle
... when we look into each other's eyes as we chat
... when your absence makes my heart yearn for you
... when I smile the moment I see you
... when you say you are hungry and I 'surprise' you with your cravings
... when you feel down and I try my very best to make you feel better

Matchmaking

Recently we have been trying to put A and B together cos A seems not a bad person and B needs some love~ (not a "despo" lah, but we think B deserves someone better than the previous one)

I wonder if we're doing the right thing, by being a matchmaker, but so far things are going fine~ juz hope that if things turned out otherwise, they could still be good friends like now. Doesn't mean that you guys can't be friends if not a couple right? **Err... how come I sound like I'm contradicting my initial intention??** Anyway, important thing is that we tried and if we fail, it's okay cos it's better than living in regret for the rest of your life~

It's always better to have more friends than enemies...

Well, good luck to A and for B, don't close your doors too tight.

Staying Positive

For every bad thing, there's a good part to it.

Why would I say that? Cos it's a fact, of cos... but maybe I'm just trying to stay positive~

For example:

Bad >> You encounter some bad experience in your relationship
Good >> You realise there ARE true friends around you

Bad >> You have a damn hectic day at work
Good >> You actually CAN do so much things in a day

Bad >> You had been rejected (for whatever stuff)
Good >> There's other better opportunities waiting for you (thou it may not show up immediately)

and the most recent example from me...

Bad >> I had to wake up damn early for a whole day event (super tiring~)
Good >> I got to know a new friend slightly better

1st Prawning Session

Finally I had my 1st prawning session... with my usual group... minus Stephen. Everyone got at least one pull of the prawn on their rod, except ME! Even Shir got her 1st (and only) prawn too (from other people's rod). I dunno if I should put the blame on my rod, cos the prawns did ate my bait (the pig liver) and I could feel the slight tug at the end of the rod... but whenever I pull, I see no prawn. I suspected my hook could be too blunt, so I went to change another one (at the last hour out of the 3 hours we booked). But it still yields no result. Even though the others had a try with my rod, the prawns still dun get hooked. Maybe the prawn community is trying to maintain my good karma I had so far *hehe*.

Anyway, since I have poor luck in getting prawns, I try to make myself useful by helping Devon and Angie put on the "bigger" baits onto the hooks (in a cruel manner) and also help them to remove the hooked prawns from the hook. By the way, we noticed that Angie loves to toss the hooked prawns from the pond up to the roof top before tossing the poor prawn down onto the ground again *tsk tsk... bad Angie*

Ashburn is good at prawning and we gave him and Mikko all the prawns that we got (ahem... should be they, since I sucks... *sigh*). Ashburn said that he cooked them in Tomyam style and his mum said not bad.

So my 1st experience in prawning was bad... and I dun like it... cos I got nothing from that and I should have use that S$30 to buy cooked prawns to eat instead. But the time spent with them was nice thou~ (must at least say something good from the gathering mah)

Found Some Life~

Recently I had been hanging out with this group of friends for dinner/supper-cum-gossip sessions almost every night. All of us had NEVER got together before this and it's all thanks to Ping's 烂桃花 (bad scandal ordeal) - cos Shir and me had been psycho-ing her to forget that useless bum and we met up quite often. Then slowly one by one, the group expanded. Now we have a total of 8 members, which includes: Mikko, Ping, Devon, Angie, Ashburn, Stephen, Shir and me.

With the frequent meet-ups, I managed to find some "life" after my new "disastrous" posting. Thanks~

Ping said we should take a picture of our group but we always forgot about it. But I wonder... what the response will be if I post our picture here *haha* can't imagine actually~ Anyway, hope our proposed plans (e.g. upcoming retreat & overseas fortune telling) could be carried out smoothly.

Say A Little Prayer For Me

Dear GOD, please bless Ah Sze the power to survive this ordeal~

Today someone came over to my desk and offer to say some real prayers for me. It was some kind of Church work and he wanted some support in the activity - which is to get 100k people blessed (I think so... cos I only remember the word "100k" on the leaflet cover page).

Well it was comforting temporary and I was glad to see someone familiar - my Audit Boss *Thank You*. I still very much prefer the life in my previous workplace. We were like a family then, and every working shift was fun. I can't comment much on my current job. Everyone was busy juggling their own workload, occasionally we would work together, but the bonding is different. I miss you guys~ do you miss me? Hahaha...

Some Serious Thoughts

I thought I could have an off day this week - on National Day that is... but I was wrong... I had a duty on that ONLY day of the week *sigh* and I am on another duty on Sunday til Monday. Just in case you are wondering about my Saturday, I had to go and settle some work for a few hours too. Yeah... I know I'm lamenting about my work again~ you may skip this post if you want to, but I'll still continue to type *grinz*

Today somebody came over and saw the amount of files in my cupboard - he was shocked! I'm already starting to get immune at the sight of increasing files (mostly passed down by those who had left the team) and it's still on-going. Something is wrong somewhere and nothing is being done. People are leaving one by one (mainly from my team) and the outstanding workload was distributed to the "newbies" like me and other guys. I guess now the amount of files I'm having is comparable to those who had already been working there for more than 3 months - and I'm only one and a half months old.

Seriously speaking, the path is rough~ and I'm still learning the ropes. The good thing is the knowledge and experience. The bad thing is the phone call - which could happen 24/7 anytime, anywhere - and it's eating into my personal life. During a recent dialogue session with the super top management people, this question was posed to all - "What will made you stay?"

My answer: " As long as it doesn't affect the time I have for my family and personal life, I'll stay". The passion is still alive in me~ but the workload is really consuming too much of my time. I guess I should do something about it... and it's either to grit my teeth and force my way through the rough path, or to take the easy way out.

Thinking in process... (as usual)

Oh by the way, that day Zulkifli just asked me when I would post something more lively in my blog. Well, I wanted to... but I can't seem to find any at this point in time. I'm already grateful that I'm still "surviving" *haha* and I'm still smiling to people at work as much as possible (pardon me if I'm pulling a long face k?)

Blue~

It's been a month plus now~ I'm still feeling blue~

The work is never-ending and it's piling up like nobody's business. I really wonder how they survived the heaps of sh*t work everyday. Maybe I'm too concerned over them? Cos sumtimes I see people don't really care about their fully packed cabinets. I still have 1 year and 11 months to go... and it's really tough starting out. I think those who think that our job is not challenging enough can come and join me... cos it's too challenging to even imagine how it's like.

Mum ever asked me before "So when is your off day?" cos I'm back home just to sleep and next day I'm off to work again. I told her there's no fixed off day for me although it was supposed to be "office hour". She said "What kind of job is that? Where got like that wan?" I told her "Bo Bian leh..." and then I kept wondering "What kind of job is this?"

People are leaving the place cos they can't take it anymore. I heard complaints everyday around me with only a handful of motivational words. But it doesn't help much. Maybe it'll keep me motivated for that day... but when it comes back to reality, the feeling remains the same.

The thoughts came back to me again~ should I or should I not? But I should not fail the expectations from those who have trust in me. I will see how the 1st 3 months go bah~ life is so miserable for me now *sigh*

1st Doll-House

This is my 1st doll-house.... *ahem* ya I know it's kinda childish~ but as long as I'm happy fixing it piece by piece, who cares? Anyway, it's really fun to fix the wooden parts together from scratch.

Front view of the Gothic House
*Note: Due to space constraint, the kitchen area is located outside the house.

Back and interior view of the house
*Note: Furniture is actually not meant for this house but we tried our best to squeeze them in.

I'm Breathing

Yeah!! Finally I felt alive and breathing for the whole of this week~

Got the time to do the necessary stuff at my own pace and plan something for the weekend, which for the past two weeks, I only have the sunday to rest at home.

Okay... let's hope for the best! By the way this is my office desk... where I spent more time here than at home... for the past two weeks~

Getting Lucky Again

Am I lucky? Tell me after you read this...

Today I went to have my haircut at J8 after having lunch with Shirlene. She then went back to her own house cos she need to teach her cousin homework. She brought one set of our house key with her and I don't... and I totally forgot about it.

After my haircut I decided to go home instead of going to her house cos my stomach felt weird (meaning I need to sit on my 'throne'). So when I reached my doorstep, I realised I dun have the house key with me!! But I could see my own key on the study table in front of the door. It's so near and yet so far... and the distance can't be reached by using a typical broom (cos I saw two along the corridor). The only tool was something long... like "The Bamboo Stick" (those used for hanging clothes of cos). So I tried to look around the corridors at other floors but there was none. Although the chance of finding one is quite slim, but the hope is there~

Eventually after walking down 3 floors, the hope became so thin that I decided to go Shirlene's house to visit her 'throne' instead (dun forget at that time my stomach was still feeling weird). When I reached the void deck, I used my last hope to check the letterbox area where there was this dustbin and people usually like to discard their items there. And there lies my HOPE... "The Red Bamboo Stick" was waiting for me!!! Hahaha... can you imagine how happy I was?

So finally I managed to use the beloved red bamboo and got my key on the study table. I wonder if the people in the opposite block noticed my "bamboo actions" hahaha... I'm like commiting some kind of daylight HouseBreaking at my own house. Anyway now my stomach is fine and I am a happy person again~ so what's your opinion?

Sadz...

Juz had my 2nd War on 11 July 07~ it was considered a better tour than the 1st... but it made me felt lousy over an issue. Got my team-mate into a sh*t hole when he had to help me refer someone to another agency... and it took him almost 7 hours!!

I wonder why it had to take so long (about 4 hrs) to see a doctor at one of our Singapore's phychiatric centre. It's so inefficient but people have no choice but to endure the damn long waiting hours. But if they were to come and wait at my organisation for some kind of service, complaint letters would be flying in if we let them wait for too long... well, life is unfair~ so it's very hard to explain certain things in a logical way.

Anyway, I haven been resting well these two weeks. I'm practically working EVERYDAY, even on Sunday although I tried not to step into my office. But I was working from home. I could feel the stress that the guys are having from the current job, no wonder so many of them wanted to step down from the post, and some even wanted to resign. Purely from my team, 1 guys just tendered his resignation, 1 just told OC that he's resigning, 1 will be leaving for another unit, and a few kept having negative feedbacks about the job. I guess it was a wrong time for me to join the unit... it's so demoralising~ and I feel kinda moody since yesterday... *sobz*

1st of all, I felt really bad that I let my team guy suffered the 7 hrs plus (due to the long referral).

Secondly, I really spent too much time on the job... that I only left the office when the moon had appeared, to sleep at home and maybe had dinner before I reached home. Sooner or later, I'm gonna be a person with no life!!

Thirdly, imagine your team-mates are leaving one at a time when you just joined the team... it's like from 10 men becoming 6 men now~ manpower's really tight, which means the number of people to consult is lesser. Summore their workload had to be distributed to the others, adding on to the existing ones~ thereby increasing the stress level.

Will I be able to endure for the 2 years posting? They said if we can handle the 1st 3 months, we can do it for long... I really have doubts about myself~ but I will try to do it...